


How To Kill A Strider in Ten Ways.

by cherryburlesque



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Cybersex, F/M, M/M, Mutual Masturbation, Pesterlog
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-12
Updated: 2013-04-12
Packaged: 2017-12-08 06:33:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/758196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherryburlesque/pseuds/cherryburlesque
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jake is a dick.<br/>Dirk has hurt feels.<br/>Jane and Dirk talk about porn, sex, wet dreams and how unbelievably sexy she is when she orders him around.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How To Kill A Strider in Ten Ways.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this like...ages ago when I had a sudden massive craving for dirkjane. because im a lazy fuck, i wrote it in pesterlog format. the actual sex is all somewhat implied, left mostly to your imagination with only verbal prompts. i think its an entertaining way to write cybersex.

\--timaeusTestified [TT] began bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 2146--

TT: Do me a favor and tell that ridiculous dolt you have a crush on that just because I give him a compliment, it doesn’t mean I want to suck his dick.

GG: Good evening, Mister Strider!

GG: What a lovely opening statement. Excuse me while I tell my father that no, the person who just messaged me is not, in fact, a paedophile and no, they aren’t trying to seduce me.

TT: Oops. Sorry.

GG: It’s quite alright. One moment, I’m moving to my room so he isn’t watching over my shoulder like a hawk.

TT: Cool.

GG: Okay, that’s better. I’m away from his prying eyes now. :)

TT: You make it sound like I’m a threat to your innocence.

GG: Of course you are! Hoo hoo!

TT: Well then.

GG: So what’s this about Jake?

TT: I told him he looks good in cargo shorts and now he thinks I want to hit that just because he found out about my gender preference. I swear, telling him I like dicks in my ass was the worst thing I could have possibly done.

GG: Oh my gosh. You’re being brash again.

TT: Sorry. I’m trying to tone it down to spare your delicate sensibilities.

GG: Always the gentleman. :B

TT: I fucking know, right?

GG: What did he say?

TT: Hang on, I’ll find it.

TT: TT: You must be the only person in the known universe who can pull off cargo pants without looking like a total dickweed. GT: Uh…thanks haha. TT: It’s the truth. Everyone I’ve ever seen wearing them just looks like a fucking hobo but you manage to make it look good. GT: Hehe. TT: What? GT: Oh nothing! I’m just not used to getting compliments. TT: Bullshit. Jane and Roxy heap them on you all the time. GT: No, I mean…from people of your er…persuasion. TT: My ‘persuasion’. GT: Not that it’s a bad thing! i mean i’m flattered sure but i just don’t swing that way my man. TT: Oh my fucking god.

TT: I stopped talking to him after that.

GG: Goodness.

TT: What did I say about language?

GG: Heehee, sorry!

GG: I guess that must be upsetting for you.

TT: Upsetting is an understatement. It pisses me right off, frankly. Like, two weeks ago if I’d said that he’d simply have made some dorky statement of gratitude, but now he thinks everything is some veiled double entendre as if he thinks I’m going to try and reach through the screen and jack him off.

TT: It’s a bit insulting, and more than a little arrogant on his part. Sure he’s cute but not every living person wants to get into his pants.

GG: Shouldn’t you be talking to Roxy about this sort of thing?

TT: I tried. 

GG: Oh.

TT: Not that you’re just a rebound for me to have a bitch at. I just needed to get it off my chest.

GG: Well I’m glad to know that you feel comfortable enough to talk to me about things that bother you!

TT: Course I am. You’re an ace gal and I’d be a horrible person if I thought you weren’t trustworthy enough for me to confide in.

TT: Hell, anyone would.

TT: It’s pretty shitty of me though to spout this sort of redundant crap at you about the dude you wanna bang.

GG: Good gracious, Strider!

TT: Sorry.

TT: But it’s true enough isn’t it?

GG: Sort of.

TT: What do you mean, sort of? How can you sort of want to bang him?

GG: Well he’s handsome, like you said, but I just. He’s really sort of…how can I say this…

TT: Dense?

GG: I was going to opt for ‘slow on the uptake’ but I guess that works too.

GG: And he’s sweet and all but he only ever talks about himself and what is getting his goat. 

GG: Like right now, he’s complaining that you aren’t answering his messages.

TT: Is he?

GG: GT: I think i may have accidentally upset dirk. GG: Oh? GT: Hes not answering any of my messages anymore and i dont know what i did. GT: Do you think you could talk to him for me? GG: Sure! GT: Thanks janey.

TT: Asshole.

GG: So right now we can pretend I’m talking to you about it and trying to convince you to talk to him.

TT: It bothers you that he won’t open his eyes a bit, doesn’t it.

GG: Oh, it’s just a silly crush. No skin of this little black ducks back! Hoo hoo :)

TT: Bullshit.

GG: Look, Dirk. He’s a handsome boy and he’s been there for me for a long time now but…

GG: I’m just tired of everyone dropping hints to him and even blatantly confessing to him and him still not appearing to give a hookie.

TT: Hookie?

GG: Yes, a hookie.

TT: Huh.

TT: So you’ve gone cold on him a bit then.

GG: I suppose, yeah. I mean, it’s not like I’ve moved on to someone any more attainable but at least I know I haven’t got a shot so I’m free to dream with this person.

TT: More attainable?

GG: As in someone who is even less likely to return my affections.

TT: Who might that be?

GG: Just a friend. 

TT: Someone I know?

GG: I believe so, yes.

TT: Well I only know three people. So that narrows it down to either Roxy or me.

TT: And I know you’re not interested in the hoochie so.

GG: Darn it.

TT: Language, Miss Crocker! Fucking atrocious.

GG: Oops! :D

GG: …

GG: Well I guess it’s obvious then.

TT: Kinda. 

GG: I’m sorry.

TT: What for?

GG: For putting you in such a position.

TT: What position?

GG: Of knowing I have feelings for you.

TT: Janey.

TT: Sweet, precious Janey.

TT: You’re a lovely young woman and knowing that I’m the subject of your affections is utterly flattering.

GG: Really?

TT: Yes, really.

GG: It doesn’t gross you out?

TT: Jane Crocker! I’m insulted that you’d even think I’d be grossed out.

GG: :B  
TT: Wanna hear a secret?

GG: Ooh, yes!

TT: I’ve had dreams about you before.

GG: :O

TT: Whoa now, calm down.

GG: What kind of dreams? ;)

TT: Erotic dreams.

GG: Was I sexy?

TT: People in my dreams are always sexy.

GG: Doesn’t that weird you out though? Aren’t you sort of…grossed out by having dreams like that about a girl?

TT: Straight people watch gay porn to get off, don’t they?

GG: Do they?

TT: Oh my god.

GG: I never knew that!

TT: You’d have to be the most sheltered person on the planet. And that includes someone who literally lives on a deserted island by himself.

GG: My Dad filters the Internet!

TT: Oh, so you HAVE tried in the past!

GG: NO!

TT: How would you know he filters the Internet if you haven’t gone looking?

GG: …

TT: Checkmate.

GG: Okay, so I have the same needs any other person has. But unfortunately they can’t be met thanks to obstinate circumstances outside my control.

TT: I could help you meet them.

GG: …

TT: Jane?

TT: Jaaaaaane.

TT: Janey, you didn’t pass out and die on me, did you?

TT: Because if you did I’ll have to tell Roxy. I can see the message now.

TT: Hey, RoLal, I accidentally killed your bffsies. How, you ask? I propositioned her and she fell off her chair and gave herself a hangman’s fracture.

TT: It’ll be all over the news.

TT: “HEIRESS DIES OVER BOTCHED CYBERSEX ATTEMPT”.

TT: Millions of people will mourn.

TT: I will be forever tainted as ‘that homo who indirectly killed a rich girl’.

TT: …

TT: Jane.

TT: Jaaaaaaane. 

TT: God dammit Jane where’d you go please tell me your old man didn’t peek over your shoulder and catch me propositioning you.

gutsyGumshoe [GG] is now idle!

TT: God dammit.

TT: I suppose I’ll go pacify English’s ungrateful ass until you’re back.

GG: Sorry! I had to go to the bathroom.

TT: Top time to do that. Here I was thinking I’d forced a CVA on you.

GG: CVA?

TT: Cerebrovascular Accident.

GG: …?

TT: A stroke.

GG: Wouldn’t it be easier just to say ‘stroke’?

TT: Don’t you get sassy with me, miss Jane.

GG: Hehe.

GG: So did you talk to Jake at all?

TT: He spent the time whining at how no one understands him and I blocked him.

GG: Oh dear.

TT: I’ll let him stew for a while. Might get a bit of sense knocked into him and realise why telling me he’s not gay every single time I so much as sneeze actually offends me.

GG: Yes, understandable.

TT: You okay, Janey?

GG: Of course! Why do you ask?

TT: Idk.

GG: So. Um.

TT: Um, indeed.

GG: GG: Okay, so I have the same needs any other person has. But unfortunately they can’t be met thanks to obstinate circumstances outside my control. TT: I could help you meet them.

TT: Yes?

GG: Did you mean that?

TT: I wouldn’t have said anything if I didn’t.

GG: You said you had dreams about me before.

TT: Butter my butt and call me a biscuit. Did I really?

GG: Dirk! Stop making fun of me :(

TT: I’m only tormenting.

GG: :( 

TT: Alright okay. Calm down.

TT: Yes I have had dreams about you before.

GG: Could you um…

GG: Tell me about them?

TT: In detail or summary.

GG: If it’s okay with you…

GG: In detail, please.

GG: :B

TT: Perfectly okay with me.

TT: Well, the one I thought was most entertaining was one when we were both in my apartment. You’d never been on my side of the universe before, so everything was completely unfamiliar and mostly you wanted to stay in the block because you were worried that there were camera crews out there.

TT: I don’t know how long you were there for, but eventually we ended up watching porn together for shits and giggles, and it sort of escalated from there.

GG: Escalated how?

TT: You were curious about some of the moves, and I offered to show you. It was pretty great.

GG: Don’t you find it strange that you’re aroused by dreams of women when you aren’t attracted to them?

TT: I did at first. Had one about Roxy the first time.

GG: !!

TT: I know, right?

GG: Do tell!

TT: I can’t remember the dream, but I woke up with an epic brain fuck of ‘what the actual fuck’ and had a bit of an existential crisis. But then I realised ‘nope, still like dicks’ and I guess I sort of stopped worrying about it. They’re only dreams, after all.

GG: Yeah…

GG: So, this one you had about me.

GG: Was I good…?

TT: Good? At what?

GG: At…you know. The things you were showing me.

TT: Learned like a pro. 

GG: That’s good to know then!

GG: So what did I learn?

TT: You’re not very subtle.

GG: Shh!

TT: You learned how to give a hand job.

TT: And a blowjob.

GG: Ooh. That sounds exciting.

TT: Dream me thought so.

GG: What does real you think?

TT: Honestly? I don’t know. 

GG: Oh.

TT: I don’t want to get into the whole nitty of it because we’ll be here all day. My apparent sexuality notwithstanding, I’ve never actually had the opportunity to figure out whether I like masculine or feminine bodies more. Or at all. I don’t know how I’d feel about being sexual with a female.

GG: If you like…

GG: Maybe we could

GG: Try?

TT: Try?

GG: You know, like a test! Find out whether you like the female body! 

TT: And how do you propose we do that?

TT: …

TT: Jane?

\--gutsyGumshoe [GG] wants to start a video chat! Accept. Decline.--

TT: Oh.

TT: OH.

TT: Jane Crocker! I am shocked!

GG: Just accept the stupid video call before I chicken out!

\--timaeusTestified [TT] has accepted the invitation!--

\--timaeusTestified [TT] is now connected to gutsyGumshoe [GG] \--

GG: Hello.

TT: You look nice.

GG: Oh, thank you! I’ve been in meetings all day.

GG: Eyyyyye roll.

GG: Oh you look cute when you smile. Smile more! 

TT: Why does everyone think I’m this stoic mask of indifference?

GG: I don’t know, maybe it just comes across that way?

TT: Maybe.

GG: So…

TT: So.

GG: How do you propose we do this?

TT: I don’t know, it was your idea.

GG: Augh. Okay, well. Um. How do I look?

TT: You always look lovely, Jane.

GG: Nooo, how do I LOOK look.

TT: LOOK look? You LOOK look lovely.

GG: You’re infuriating!

TT: Sorry. I might be a bit nervous. I’m not used to this.

GG: That’s okay!

TT: You have a beautiful figure. 

GG: Really?

TT: Yes.

GG: Um. How about I take something off? 

TT: Is the purpose of this for us both to gain sexual gratification, or just for sheer curiosity’s sake?

GG: Pardon?

TT: Are we going to cyber, or are we just figuring out if I like girly parts.

GG: Oh…I guess that’s up to you! I mean…if you want to we could…

TT: Could…?

GG: Cyber.

TT: I just imagined you saying that aloud and it sounds so ridiculous that I can’t stop laughing.

GG: I can see that! You’re making this unnecessarily difficult!!

TT: I’m sorry I just

TT: Not used to you getting dirty.

GG: Oh I can get dirty!

GG: Don’t give me that look!!

GG: Take your glasses off.

TT: What? Why?

GG: I SAID. Take your glasses off.

TT: Are you ordering me around?

GG: Do as I say, Strider! 

GG: Good.

GG: Now your shirt. Take it off and fold it on your bed.

TT: Holy shit.

GG: I’m sorry, is this too much? I can stop…

TT: No no, no.

GG: ?

TT: It’s

TT: Hot.

GG: Oh. In that case, do as I say! Take off your shirt now!

GG: Now, sit there, where I can see you. No, back a bit. You don’t have to talk. Just do as I say.

GG: I can see you definitely like being told what to do, don’t you? Your face is all flushed! After all, it is only proper for a gentleman to do what an heiress commands!

GG: Put your fingers in your mouth. Two of them.

GG: Let me see your lips all nice and swollen from sucking. I can see why you want them on a boy. They’re perfect cocksucking lips.

GG: Oh my god did you just choke?

GG: Dirk? Dirk you can talk now, oh my god are you alright?

TT: fnie

TT: Fine.

TT: Sorry.

TT: That was just completely out of left field.

TT: Jane Crocker talking dirty.

GG: Shut up.

TT: It’s kind of a turn on.

GG: I said shut up!

GG: Good boy.

GG: Now watch me take off my shirt.

GG: You may talk.

TT: I definitely don’t believe you’ve never watched porn. Holy fuck. 

TT: I want to touch the curves of your body to see how it feels.

TT: Nice bra.

TT: I’d believe you were a total domme if you weren’t blushing like a heat struck albino.

TT: I think whether or not I find women sexy or not is moot.

TT: I have a giant boner right now and I can’t figure out if it’s because of your body or the way you’re ordering me around.

GG: Move away from the keyboard.

GG: I want to see your body.

GG: Stand. Turn.

GG: Turn more.

GG: Mmn, that’s a fine behind.

GG: Lose the pants.

GG: No, don’t type. Take them off.

GG: And the undershorts. I want to see you naked.

GG: Good boy. Beautiful.

GG: Oh gosh my face is burning up.

GG: Look how aroused you are. Do you want to touch yourself?

GG: No, just nod or shake your head.

GG: You do?

GG: Sit down where I can see you then.

GG: You may touch yourself. 

GG: Do you have a question?

GG: Okay, you may type.

TT: Am I allowed to cum.

GG: Hmmmmm…

GG: Yes, I suppose so.

GG: Oh, look at you. So lovely.

GG: The look on your face is divine. I wish I could hear the sounds you’re making.

GG: You’ve done this before then, hoo hoo! That is definitely the work of a man who knows what he’s doing.

GG: Oh yes, look at me while you touch yourself.

GG: Your eyes are so lovely. I don’t know why you hide them behind those gaudy sunglasses. 

GG: I can see the sweat on your forehead. You look like you’re enjoying yourself, certainly.

GG: Oh goodness.

GG: Oh…

GG: Oh wow…

GG: I have goosebumps from how that looked.

GG: Dirk…?

GG: Oh, you need a minute. Okay.

GG: You can type whenever, now.

TT: holt shit.

GG: Good?

TT: yes

GG: You looked like you had a lot of fun!

TT: yes

GG: Still collecting yourself?

TT: yes

GG: I’ll give you a minute.

\--timaeusTestified [TT] is now idle.--

TT: Back. Sorry.

GG: Not at all!

TT: That was

TT: Really fucking sexy, Jane. I had no idea you have that in you.

GG: Hoo hoo, well I’m an heiress, I have to know how to tell people what to do!

TT: I can see you still.

GG: Yes, and?

TT: May I?

GG: May you what?

GG: Oh!

GG: Yes, one second.

GG: Is this far enough back?

TT: Yes.

GG: Okay. Um. Just turn the camera off if it makes you uncomfortable at all.

TT: No big.

GG: Okay. Okay. Here we go.

TT: Holy shit, I can see why Jake likes your body so much.

TT: Yeah, he talks about it all the time.

TT: God, fuck this is turning me on again.

TT: Look at you, so vulnerable like that and so beautiful. 

TT: Can you take your bra off?

TT: Holy fuck.

TT: Jesus, Jane.

TT: I want to taste you.

TT: The way you bite your lips is just fucking.

TT: Man, it’s doing things to me.

TT: Those legs of yours wrapped around my shoulders.

TT: Imagine it to your hearts content. I have zero fucking objections.

TT: Your body pressed against mine as I rock into your heat.

TT: Both of us completely out of breath.

TT: Instead of your hand, it would be mine touching you.

TT: all over. All fucking over.

TT: god I thought you ere prett y before btu you’re just fucking breathtaking now

GG: are yuo goign again?

TT: yes shh

TT: hly fuck

TT: why did I ever vhoose porn over this im gonna

TT: oh fuck jane lok at that

TT: look hrow fucking beautiful you look like that

TT: I want ot see your back arch like that under me whne ive made u cum

TT: ofh god

\--timaeusTestified [TT] is now idle!--

\--gutsyGumshoe [GG] is now idle!--

GG: Are you still there?

GG: Oh gosh.

TT: Hey. Sorry, had to clean up. Hah.

GG: :B

GG: So…what’s the verdict?

TT: What verdict?

GG: Do you like female figures?

TT: Jane.

TT: That was fucking hot.

TT: I don’t care which I like more, that was fucking sexy as hell and I want more of it.

GG: Oh, goodness me!

TT: If you’re willing, of course.

GG: Definitely!

GG: Oh my, I’m all giddy, hee hee.

GG: Better than your dreams?

TT: Definitely better.

TT: Fuck, now I’m worn out.

GG: Go to bed, silly!

TT: I think I might…

TT: I mean, I’m normally a cuddler but…

GG: Hoohoo. Go to sleep.

TT: Yeah, I might.

TT: Thanks, Jane. That was.

TT: Really fucking good.

GG: Thank you, too! Sleep well, DiStri.

TT: You too, Janey.

\--timaeusTestified [TT] ceased bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 2358--

\--timaeusTestified [TT] has signed off --  


**Author's Note:**

> I realised after I made this what a fucking horrible idea it was to do the whole thing in pesterlog.


End file.
